This past summer I went to six funerals, and three of them occurred within one week. Some were expected, but others were completely unexpected. I know two women, both who are in their thirties who are widowed, and they both have young children who, very sadly, will never know their fathers. Last Monday, my friend who is a high school teacher posted on Facebook that she had lost a student due to bone cancer. Death happens, and sometimes it can completely catch us off guard. If we as adults get caught off guard, imagine what it can do to a child. It is critical that we understand typical reactions to grief and are prepared to discuss death with children whenever a tragedy occurs.
When a death does occur, it is most important that we recognize typical reactions and feelings from children and understand that these will be different depending on the child’s age. This understanding is crucial so that we are able to give them appropriate attention to meet their needs. Behavior changes, which are behaviors that are not typical for a child, as well as behavior regression, which include past behaviors such as thumb-sucking or baby-talk, are the two greatest indicators of anguish and stress in children. In preschool children, typical indicators can be wetting the bed, being afraid of the dark or of animals, not wanting to let go of parents, having night terrors, or experiencing incontinence or constipation. School age children may experience any of the preschool indicators in addition to touchiness, whining, hostile behavior, opposition with siblings for parental responsiveness, evading school, withdrawing from friends, losing interest or exhibiting poor concentration at school, headaches and other physical complaints, fears about safety, and depression. In preadolescence, these indicators may include disturbances in sleep or appetite, rebellion at home such as refusing to do chores or missing curfew, school problems such as fighting, withdrawal, loss of interest, or attention seeking behaviors; physical problems such as headaches, pains, bowel problems, and acne breakouts; and loss of interest in peer or social activities. Finally, adolescents may experience any of the pre-adolescent indicators in addition to isolation, changes in peer groups, and indifference.
Regardless of the age level of the child experiencing grief, it is important that we express appropriate empathy, acceptance, and sensitivity. For younger children, we should give frequent attention, provide verbal reassurance and physical comforting, and encourage expression through play. School age children need patience and tolerance as well as the opportunity to discuss the tragedy with adults and peers. Pre-adolescents benefit from group activities and discussions related to the tragedy and additional individual attention as needed. Finally, adolescents should be encouraged to resume social activities such as sports and clubs, and to discuss the death with friends, family, and significant others.
Other considerations that should be given are ensuring that the child understands his/her support system and how grief brings on stress and how to deal with it. When discussing (or enacting for very young children) a support system, the child should be able to identify someone they can talk to about the loss, someone they can always count on, someone who can answer questions, someone who makes them feel loved, someone who makes them feel good about themselves, someone they can have fun with, someone they can share their feelings with, and someone who gives them support. When considering stress, the child should understand that grief brings on stress which puts extra demands on the body and the mind, but they can learn healthy ways to deal with stress when life is off-balance. These include healthy eating, getting appropriate rest, exercise, using their support system, self-care, making time for fun, letting feelings out in appropriate ways, not taking on too much, and asking for help when they need it.
This may come across as a little bit strange, but I am a firm believer that the best way that we can prepare children to cope with death is to expose them to it. I personally have been taking my four year old daughter to funeral viewings since before she could walk. These viewings have included family and friends, young and old, male and female, open and closed casket, casket and cremains, and even a five year old little girl. We always go up to the casket and if she asks questions, I answer them--very directly. I want her to understand that death is a natural process. Additionally, I want her to develop a firm understanding of it before it occurs to someone with whom she is very close such as a grandparent or myself or my husband. But when she goes up to the cremains and the picture of our beloved dog Bear who passed away last year and embraces it, kisses it, and says, Bear Bear, I miss you so much, I KNOW that she gets it…and this will make her coping with the next loss of a loved one all the more easy!
