27 Ways to Praise your Child

It's the 27th of the month...so here's 27 ways to praise your child:

Wow · Way to go · Super · You’re special · Outstanding · Excellent · Great  · Well done · I knew you could do it · I’m proud of you · Fantastic  · Nice Work · Looking Good · You’re on top of it · You’re catching on ·

Now you’ve got it · You’re incredible · Bravo · Good for you · You’re important · You’re a real trooper  ·  You’re responsible · What an imagination · You’re a good listener · You’re growing up · I trust you · Love you  

Each positive statement makes a deposit into your child's healthy self-esteem account.           

The red pillow, the broken frame, and a dose of Love and Logic!

My daughter is quite the performance artist.  The world is her stage and if someone will watch she will show you her gymnastics, dance, juggling, magic...you name it.  Her "word" for magic is "abracasneaky".  Quite the creative spirit the little one has.  The other day she was up to one of her "performances" for daddy.  I was in the other room so I didn't see it but I heard the sound of something come crashing down, the thud of it hitting the floor, and the shattering shrill of broken glass...and then...silence.  I thought for sure someone was injured.  I ran in from the other room to check out the situation and found that daddy was still sitting in the easy chair with a disgusted look on his face and my daughter was staring at me in fright.  Well, no one must be injured if he's still in the chair, I thought.  As I surveyed the damage I saw that two picture frames had fallen off the entertainment center...one was just nicked and the other was split in half at the corners, and ironically, none of the glass had broken.  It sure did sound like it.  Anyway, as I was trying to figure out what caused this debacle, I spotted the culprit.  A pretty red decorative pillow that always sits so eloquently in the antique rocking chair in the corner of the room was laying front and center on the floor just off to the side of the broken mess.  So as my mind tried to recreate the series of events, I imagined that she must have been juggling with the pillow and it veered a little of course, causing the aforementioned disaster.  She looked at me teary eyed and wailed, "I'm sorry!" You have to imagine that this all happened in a matter of like ten seconds, but I soon figured out that it was nothing to sweat about because no one was injured and the broken frame could be easily fixed.  Seriously, I think she was WAY more upset about it than I was.

What if this scenario had happened 30 or 40 years ago to you or me?  I tell you, depending on my age at the time I would have been spanked or grounded or maybe both, and I definitely would have been yelled at.  My response to my daughter:  I just spoke very calmly and matter of factly.  'Oh bummer...at least nobody got hurt and the frame can be fixed or replaced.", I said.  I didn't dote over the fact that she was crying or coddle her, nor did I raise my voice a single decibel.  I continued, "I accept your apology, I'm glad you're sorry...now what did you learn from this?"  "D-d-d-don-n-n't th-th-row the the pillow, she cried."  "Good," I said, "now I trust that this won't happen again.  Oh, and one more thing...would you like to fix or replace the broken frame?"  Boy, did that one throw her for a loop. 


Now I'm not trying to toot my horn about being the most patient parent in the world or anything, although I can attest that teaching science to seventh graders sure does teach one patience pretty quickly.  My point in telling this story is to give an example of what Jim Fay and Dr. Charles Fay would call Parenting with Love and Logic.  They suggest that there are two rules that parents need to follow when disciplining their children:  First, we need to set limits in loving ways.  This includes eliminating frustration and anger from our actions, putting an end to empty threats , setting limits one time, using enforceable statements, and allowing children to have a "healthy sense of control."  Second, we need to turn misbehavior and mistakes into opportunities for learning.  When I was teaching, we always called these teachable moments.  Fay and Fay suggest that this starts with giving your children a hearty measure of empathy before they receive their consequence, use logical consequences instead of punishment, and leading your children to solve their own problems.  

In the example above, the first rule is illustrated by maintaining a calm demeanor as well as allowing her the choice of trying to fix or replace the frame.  Either way, the frame will be returned to a condition that is acceptable to me and she feels empowered because she gets the choice of whether she wants to try and glue it back together or fork over some of her life savings from her piggy bank to buy a new one.  The second rule is shown when I used empathy in the statements "oh bummer", "I accept your apology", and "I trust that this won't happen again."  Additionally, I did not ground her, put her in time out, send her to her room, or take away any toys.  I gave her the choice of fixing the frame or paying for a new one, which is a logical consequence of breaking the frame to begin with.  What good does it serve to ground her or put her in time out?  She would just become angry and resentful and the frame would still be broken.  Nobody wins.  That's why logical consequences are such a great form of discipline...because as a parent you get what you want and the child learns from his or her actions through problem solving.  

She ultimately chose to try and fix the frame and since she is only four years old, this is an exercise we did together.  It doesn't really matter that I helped her...the lesson is in her knowing that she is going to be held accountable for her actions.  

I'm quite positive the red pillow hasn't moved from the rocking chair since!!!      

Young Adolescents Need Their Own Set of Rules

Just when you assumed that you have fostered a cheerful, well-balanced, and cooperative child, all of a sudden she becomes ornery, awkward, or confrontational.  Congratulations!   You are the parent of a totally typical young adolescent.  Nurturing an adolescent will certainly not be effortless and uncomplicated.  There will be lots of adjustments, struggles, and contradictions along the way.  One moment you will see an immature child performing juvenile acts and the next an emerging adult making important life decisions.  However, your young adolescent is neither.  She is a distinctive individual who requires a completely unique set of privileges and rules. 

Here are some tips  to overcome the challenges that await: 

• Look your child in the eye and tell her often that you love her. 
• Build a network of other parents (neighbors or classmates' parents) who are raising young adolescents.  Exchange phone numbers or email and communicate with them often, including visiting their homes and vice versa.  You want your child to know that you and other parents are in cahoots with each other.   
• Listen to your child and observe him communicate with others.  You will learn more by listening than if you had asked him 20 questions.
• Share your values and expectations with your child, but do not preach.  That will put her on the defensive.
• Establish rules and procedures for the 5 or 6 most critical areas of your child’s life.  Set reasonable and logical consequences that you and your child agree to in advance.  Love and Logic can help you with this. 
• Define early and plainly those non-debatable issues such as curfews, going to unsupervised parties, or engaging in dangerous behaviors. 
• Accept that not all of your child’s problems are your problems—fights with their friends are their battles.  It is important for them to learn to solve problems on their own.  Through this they will learn resilience and conflict resolution.   
• Do your best to remain calm and not blow up at your child; ALWAYS apologize if you do--that's modeling good behavior that we expect from them. 
• Respect your child’s need for privacy.  Don't hover, but rather be a guide on the side. 
• Allow your child to make decisions and mistakes—about clothing, friends, or extracurricular activities.  When they make decisions, it helps them to feel empowered.  Additionally, it is better for them to make mistakes regarding little things now and learn to recover than have something huge happen when they are a young adult and not have the coping mechanisms to deal with it.  
• Laugh with and enjoy your child.  It's a great stress reliever for the whole family.    
• Never, ever, give up.  It might not feel like it but your child needs you now more than ever.

Bear in mind that today’s highlights and achievements—as well as mistakes and blunders—are influencing and shaping tomorrow’s leaders!  Best of Luck!

Healthy Resolutions!

As you end the story of another year and turn the page to a new one, you most likely have thought about a New Year’s Resolution.  You might start to reflect on the past, consider what worked and what did not, and commit to making changes for the future.  This is actually a very healthy activity to do with your child as well, because it reinforces the idea of goal-setting that is emphasized so much at school.  As you discuss what changes your child may wish to make, you might focus on school, home, or recreation.  No matter what the focus of the resolution, the important thing is that it represents healthy, positive behaviors. 

The American Academy of Pediatrics has recommended several healthy resolutions for kids and teens that include the following ideas for you to consider:

·         Finding a sport or recreation activity in which to stay physically active

·         Wearing protective gear when cycling, rollerblading, skateboarding, etc.

·         Wearing the seatbelt in the car

·         Eating one fruit and one vegetable a day

·         Limiting intake of soda pop

·         Choosing non-violent television, movies, and video games

·         Wiping out negative self-talk (I can’t do it) from vocabulary

·         Using anger management/conflict resolution strategies

·         Doing something leisurely to reduce stress

·         Making smart choices about friends

·         Resisting peer pressure

·         Cleaning up after self

·         Completing and turning in homework

Whatever resolution you and your child select, remember the importance of focusing on constructive behaviors.  Good luck! 

Blog Update!

Well, it's been awhile since I've put anything out there...it was a rough fall with illness and going through a steroid wean.  Reducing the levels of steroids in my body is a good thing, but it's very rough in the adjustment phase.  Right now I'm on a plateau, which is as good as I can ask for.  With the new year among us, I am vowing to support my followers and fellow parents and colleagues, even if the articles haven't been written by me.  There's a lot of great information...it just needs to be shared, and I will be an avenue to do just that!  You can follow my Facebook Page at School Counselor Connection or follow me on Twitter at SnowdenSupport.  With the help of HootSuite as a dashboard, I have been learning the language and etiquette of Twitter so that I can share some of the great sites and articles that are out there.  And of course, I'll do my best to share some of my own, too.  Thanks for sticking with me!  Ciao!