The red pillow, the broken frame, and a dose of Love and Logic!

My daughter is quite the performance artist.  The world is her stage and if someone will watch she will show you her gymnastics, dance, juggling, magic...you name it.  Her "word" for magic is "abracasneaky".  Quite the creative spirit the little one has.  The other day she was up to one of her "performances" for daddy.  I was in the other room so I didn't see it but I heard the sound of something come crashing down, the thud of it hitting the floor, and the shattering shrill of broken glass...and then...silence.  I thought for sure someone was injured.  I ran in from the other room to check out the situation and found that daddy was still sitting in the easy chair with a disgusted look on his face and my daughter was staring at me in fright.  Well, no one must be injured if he's still in the chair, I thought.  As I surveyed the damage I saw that two picture frames had fallen off the entertainment center...one was just nicked and the other was split in half at the corners, and ironically, none of the glass had broken.  It sure did sound like it.  Anyway, as I was trying to figure out what caused this debacle, I spotted the culprit.  A pretty red decorative pillow that always sits so eloquently in the antique rocking chair in the corner of the room was laying front and center on the floor just off to the side of the broken mess.  So as my mind tried to recreate the series of events, I imagined that she must have been juggling with the pillow and it veered a little of course, causing the aforementioned disaster.  She looked at me teary eyed and wailed, "I'm sorry!" You have to imagine that this all happened in a matter of like ten seconds, but I soon figured out that it was nothing to sweat about because no one was injured and the broken frame could be easily fixed.  Seriously, I think she was WAY more upset about it than I was.

What if this scenario had happened 30 or 40 years ago to you or me?  I tell you, depending on my age at the time I would have been spanked or grounded or maybe both, and I definitely would have been yelled at.  My response to my daughter:  I just spoke very calmly and matter of factly.  'Oh bummer...at least nobody got hurt and the frame can be fixed or replaced.", I said.  I didn't dote over the fact that she was crying or coddle her, nor did I raise my voice a single decibel.  I continued, "I accept your apology, I'm glad you're sorry...now what did you learn from this?"  "D-d-d-don-n-n't th-th-row the the pillow, she cried."  "Good," I said, "now I trust that this won't happen again.  Oh, and one more thing...would you like to fix or replace the broken frame?"  Boy, did that one throw her for a loop. 


Now I'm not trying to toot my horn about being the most patient parent in the world or anything, although I can attest that teaching science to seventh graders sure does teach one patience pretty quickly.  My point in telling this story is to give an example of what Jim Fay and Dr. Charles Fay would call Parenting with Love and Logic.  They suggest that there are two rules that parents need to follow when disciplining their children:  First, we need to set limits in loving ways.  This includes eliminating frustration and anger from our actions, putting an end to empty threats , setting limits one time, using enforceable statements, and allowing children to have a "healthy sense of control."  Second, we need to turn misbehavior and mistakes into opportunities for learning.  When I was teaching, we always called these teachable moments.  Fay and Fay suggest that this starts with giving your children a hearty measure of empathy before they receive their consequence, use logical consequences instead of punishment, and leading your children to solve their own problems.  

In the example above, the first rule is illustrated by maintaining a calm demeanor as well as allowing her the choice of trying to fix or replace the frame.  Either way, the frame will be returned to a condition that is acceptable to me and she feels empowered because she gets the choice of whether she wants to try and glue it back together or fork over some of her life savings from her piggy bank to buy a new one.  The second rule is shown when I used empathy in the statements "oh bummer", "I accept your apology", and "I trust that this won't happen again."  Additionally, I did not ground her, put her in time out, send her to her room, or take away any toys.  I gave her the choice of fixing the frame or paying for a new one, which is a logical consequence of breaking the frame to begin with.  What good does it serve to ground her or put her in time out?  She would just become angry and resentful and the frame would still be broken.  Nobody wins.  That's why logical consequences are such a great form of discipline...because as a parent you get what you want and the child learns from his or her actions through problem solving.  

She ultimately chose to try and fix the frame and since she is only four years old, this is an exercise we did together.  It doesn't really matter that I helped her...the lesson is in her knowing that she is going to be held accountable for her actions.  

I'm quite positive the red pillow hasn't moved from the rocking chair since!!!