Young Adolescents Need Their Own Set of Rules

Just when you assumed that you have fostered a cheerful, well-balanced, and cooperative child, all of a sudden she becomes ornery, awkward, or confrontational.  Congratulations!   You are the parent of a totally typical young adolescent.  Nurturing an adolescent will certainly not be effortless and uncomplicated.  There will be lots of adjustments, struggles, and contradictions along the way.  One moment you will see an immature child performing juvenile acts and the next an emerging adult making important life decisions.  However, your young adolescent is neither.  She is a distinctive individual who requires a completely unique set of privileges and rules. 

Here are some tips  to overcome the challenges that await: 

• Look your child in the eye and tell her often that you love her. 
• Build a network of other parents (neighbors or classmates' parents) who are raising young adolescents.  Exchange phone numbers or email and communicate with them often, including visiting their homes and vice versa.  You want your child to know that you and other parents are in cahoots with each other.   
• Listen to your child and observe him communicate with others.  You will learn more by listening than if you had asked him 20 questions.
• Share your values and expectations with your child, but do not preach.  That will put her on the defensive.
• Establish rules and procedures for the 5 or 6 most critical areas of your child’s life.  Set reasonable and logical consequences that you and your child agree to in advance.  Love and Logic can help you with this. 
• Define early and plainly those non-debatable issues such as curfews, going to unsupervised parties, or engaging in dangerous behaviors. 
• Accept that not all of your child’s problems are your problems—fights with their friends are their battles.  It is important for them to learn to solve problems on their own.  Through this they will learn resilience and conflict resolution.   
• Do your best to remain calm and not blow up at your child; ALWAYS apologize if you do--that's modeling good behavior that we expect from them. 
• Respect your child’s need for privacy.  Don't hover, but rather be a guide on the side. 
• Allow your child to make decisions and mistakes—about clothing, friends, or extracurricular activities.  When they make decisions, it helps them to feel empowered.  Additionally, it is better for them to make mistakes regarding little things now and learn to recover than have something huge happen when they are a young adult and not have the coping mechanisms to deal with it.  
• Laugh with and enjoy your child.  It's a great stress reliever for the whole family.    
• Never, ever, give up.  It might not feel like it but your child needs you now more than ever.

Bear in mind that today’s highlights and achievements—as well as mistakes and blunders—are influencing and shaping tomorrow’s leaders!  Best of Luck!